The new men

Marlene Dietrich defying gender roles

Marlene Dietrich defying gender roles

I’ve been meaning to discuss this topic for awhile: women as the new men.

Here’s the story from a few months ago: I met a man. We made plans to get together. When he suggested my place I agreed since it gave us a chance to talk (I love actually “doing things” on dates but I’d also like to get to know somebody and sometimes those two things are mutually exclusive it seems).

Sidenote: I would not usually invite somebody to my place for the first time, but honestly my dog can be somewhat intimidating and although she’s very people-friendly she WILL hurt anyone who tries to hurt me.

We had a lot in common. He was attractive, and I know he found me attractive. He was choosing music to play from my iPad while we were talking. Somehow we started talking about porn and he pulled up a porn site on my iPad and started a video. I was just thinking men get too excited when they find out a woman watches porn, which I find silly – we all have the same needs!

Anyway after a minute or two he passed the iPad to me to pick a video. I declined. It just didn’t interest me. I watch porn for a very specific reason and honestly the whole thing just felt awkward.

Fast forward an hour or so and we still have a lot to talk about (of the non-sexual variety). I was feeling him, and I knew he was feeling me when he leaned in to kiss me. We continued kissing on my couch and my intention to not sleep with him that day flew out the window because…well, it was hot.

Why did I not want to sleep with him? The reason I had before the couch kissing was that I think I sometimes I fall into bed too easily with a man. I’ve said before that I’ve surprised myself since being single at how things can just happen. It’s not that I’m easy or I’m looking for validation, or anything like that – but if it feels good why would I want to stop it?

So you can imagine that at the point when he suggested we go to the bedroom my head was already dizzy with lust. As we’re kissing in the bedroom (standing) I reluctantly pulled away and said “I think we should stop.”

I can’t remember his exact response but it was along the lines of “no we shouldn’t.” Although I said I wanted to stop I didn’t really want to because again, if it feels good….and so we slept together.

Another sidenote: it was not very good.

Afterwards it was pretty clear that we weren’t going to work out romantically or sexually.

The next day I texted him to ask him what he thought of the day before. My intention was to open up the conversation as to whether we should see each other again. His response was not what I expected:

“…I would of appreciated it more if you said no. I’m not looking for a quick fuck I want someone who is gonna make me work. Men appreciate the challenge.”

I responded that I didn’t understand how he could say he didn’t want a quick fuck when:

  1. I told him shortly before the kissing that he had to leave soon (I was meeting a friend), AND
  2. I had actually said we should stop but he pushed it forward anyway.

I certainly did not appreciate his implication that I’m too easy / slutty.

His response?

“ ‘Cause I’m a guy and I won’t turn down sex from a pretty girl. Can you blame me? It’s just not what I’m looking for.”

…..Uh, you could have fooled me.

I respect that someone is not just looking for sex, however the last time I checked it took two people to have intercourse. Why should it fall on the woman to pull away?

Oh, that’s right, I guess I forgot – we still have these silly double standards and gender stereotypes. I guess I don’t conform since I actually like sex and don’t feel bad about that fact. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve had one-night stands or that I’ve slept with someone on the first night meeting them.

I am (was) a single woman and I have (had) casual sex.

Women have opportunities that once were only available to men. We are increasingly choosing to postpone having kids to focus on our careers. We have choices and the confidence to make those choices that we didn’t have before.

The playing field has been leveled and that includes how women think about sex. If we can take over the boardroom why shouldn’t we also have the (previously male only) luxury of choosing how and when we have sex without the slut stigma?