Ow my poor childless ears

I love Mr. Spice most of the time (I really, really do, even though we're currently on shaky ground). His daughter, however, is another story.

Before you go thinking that I'm some terrible child-hating bitch, let me explain. She's a very sweet 6-year-old little girl with a big heart. She will be a heartbreaker when she gets older, and I can guarantee she will be a handful for her parents. I'm not jealous of how much Mr. Spice loves her or anything ridiculous like that – in fact, I really love that he has no problem showing her how much he loves her. Despite all his flaws he is loving and caring father who would do anything for his daughter.

However – I can't take the noise. She screams, she yells, she never seems to be quiet. There is no such thing as silence when she's around. I can deal with noise but clearly I'm no good in dealing with a child who doesn't have an “indoor” voice EVER. Mr. Spice doesn't seem to really notice – maybe he's just used to it, but I've also considered that maybe this is just how kids are and I'm not cut out for it because if she was my child I would have sedatives on hand just to get silence every once in awhile.

Apparently not all kids are like this, I'm told by others who also don't have kids but at least have more exposure to kids than I do. I really really hope that is the case, otherwise I just don't think I can handle dealing with that kind of noise full-time without losing it.



Thoughts on Motherhood

I feel like a mother.

Childless, but only because I haven't met my child yet.

I've been feeling the need to start preparing for a child. What this means, I don't know (and no, I am not pregnant), but the anticipation is there.

Of course I'm a long way from being ready to have a child – emotionally I may be ready, but that's about it. I want to settle down with someone, be in a stable relationship, and go through the process of conceiving, pregnancy, birth, and beyond with that person. I also want to be more financially stable and I'm simply not ready to leave my job for a year – I feel like my career has just started, despite being in the workforce for as long as I have been.

This is all rather new to me. Up until 2 years ago I never wanted a child and I believed that I would follow the path of the other women in my family – staying child-free by choice. Then something in me changed in my 28th year. Not only did who I am become clear to me, but also what I want in life became as clear as day. A child was at the forefront of that revelation. The desire to have a child became an actual tangible feeling, and there are times when my heart actually aches with the anticipation.

So I am excited for many things. I have this picture in my head of this ideal everything – relationship, pregnancy, childbirth, baby. Of course I know life doesn't work in an ideal way most of the time, but I'm also looking forward to the surprises that will follow – I need something to keep me on my toes!

So here is what I have considered, in no order at all:

Baby Names: Yep, I have names picked out. The girls' names are easy, it was the boys' names that are harder. I'm keeping them to myself for now though as pregnant family and friends have already taken some of my favourite baby names – I don't want to jinx myself more!

Labour and Delivery: After watching The Business of Being Born I would love to have a natural childbirth at home. For one, I hate hospitals and can only imagine I would be incredibly anxious. And two, I'm a bit of a hippie in that I truly believe that when the time comes my body will know what to do, and I should just let it be.

Pregnancy: Oh how I am looking forward to getting fat and not being able to tie my own shoes! I say that in all seriousness. I think the pregnant female body is beautiful and voluptuous and I look forward to watching my own body change to support a life.

The Beyond: This is everything, the good and the bad. The diaper changing, the sleepless nights. Watching the little one grow. Seeing the world through the eyes of a child. All the milestones, big and small – first word, first steps, first day of school, first heartbreak…and all the little moments in between that I hope I remember to cherish when the time comes.

I guess I have a lot to look forward to!

– baby names image: styleista.blogspot.com
– labour and delivery image: inhabitat.com
– pregnancy image: makingtheworldcuter.com
– the beyond image: littlemissmomma.blogspot.com