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Brain matter

714This weekend my brain decided to throw me another awesome little surprise in the form of a migraine.

I saw “another” because when I was 15 I started having these short 10-second episodes where I felt like I was rising out of my body. I would get 10 to 20 episodes a day, but never thought much of them, and never mentioned anything to my parents.

Eventually I was getting fewer, and by the time I was in college I was having them a couple times a year.

Within 6 months of my first ever “adult” job I had a grand mal seizure (in the office, during a meeting, awesome). At the ER the doctor informed me that I had had a seizure, and that she was required to report this to the Ministry of Transportation as they have to suspend my license until I can be cleared by a neurologist.

Of course, this being Canada, it took 2 months to get in to see the neurologist. At this point, I had another grand mal seizure on Christmas Eve (1.5 months after the first). By this time though I had done a lot of research on seizures and had already come to the conclusion that those short episodes I had in my teens were simple partial seizures. This is also the feeling I get in the seconds before losing consciousness from a grand mal (then it’s called an aura).

ID-100100660The neurologist confirmed I have temporal lobe epilepsy through an EEG, and I was put on medication. Since that time I have been seizure free (8 years now).

I woke up Friday morning at 4am with a pounding headache. I fell back asleep, hoping that the headache would disappear with more sleep. Too bad that wasn’t the case because I woke up to my alarm clock and it was even worse. It was centred in the front of my head, around my temples, and behind my eyes (even now I can feel some eye strain and tenderness at my temples). I managed to get through the day at work, but mostly because there wasn’t much to have to focus on.

I went to bed Friday night thinking that there was no way I was going to wake up with this pain still – except I did, which is when I made the decision to go to the doctor (correction: my mother gave me the ultimatum of seeing whether my doctor could see me that morning or going to the ER. There was no way I was going to sit around sick people for hours if I could help it).

When my doctor assessed me she confirmed that I was having a migraine. She gave me a prescription for Tylenol 3 – and thank god Mr. Dreads was around to drive me because I was in no condition. As soon as I got home I popped one of those suckers, and waited. Nothing happened, except I got really tired and had a nap.

Surely I thought it would have been gone when I woke up – but nope! I popped another one, and waited again. Nothing.

After another 4 hours waiting I took 2 more and went to bed. At the very least they allowed me to sleep somewhat peacefully despite the pounding in my head.

Sunday I woke up with minimal pain but felt like complete crap. In fact, I felt similar to how I feel after a seizure – lethargic, nauseous, and overall just shitty. Apparently this is common after both a seizure and a migraine, except this shitty feeling has lasted through to today.

At what point can I expect this to stop? I am leaving for Jamaica early tomorrow morning and would hate to feel like this stepping off the plane. Actually I would hate to feel like this at all, but certainly not while sitting trapped on a plane for 4 hours. I’m already a pretty bad traveller, I don’t need this shit to make it worse.

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Spicey McSpice is driving me crazy

Mr. Spice has been calling often lately, sometimes multiple times a day. Sometimes it is to discuss something work related, but more often than not it’s to “see how I’m doing” or to ask my advice about something (like getting his printer working).

I’m fine offering my advice, but it’s getting to be a bit much. He has a girlfriend, who apparently tattooed his name on her body, and I don’t get why he doesn’t just ask her to help him with things.

I find too that if I stay on the phone too long with him he’ll start mentioning things like:

– How his new girlfriend is going to buy him a truck

– How he thinks he’ll settle down with her, even though he’s still running around after other women (but he’ll change after he gets married, really)

– Asking why it didn’t work out between us even though I’ve told him numerous times (you can’t dictate who my friends are, among other things)

– How much our boss sucks and is cheap and prays too much

Sometimes I think he’s telling me things to make me jealous, or to regret leaving him, but honestly I don’t even listen anymore once he starts to talk about anything related to that. It’s annoying and I want it to stop, especially with A coming back (I don’t think he would appreciate Mr. Spice calling all the time and I respect that). I need to put some distance and I have stopped answering his calls all the time (especially when he calls during work, I hate that), but it’s also backfired on me when it’s something work related.

I did get a small victory though, as he’s stopped asking me for sex every time I see him. The thought now makes me uncomfortable, and I really didn’t appreciate how that disrespected A, and I suppose myself as well (but mostly A).

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And to be honest I don’t think I really like him as a person anymore. Now having the opportunity to see the other side of him (as a “friend” of sorts, I guess), I’m not happy with what I see. He uses people constantly – it’s never about what he can do for someone, but what they can do for him (see above re: his girlfriend buying him a truck). He constantly complains about the state of his life and it’s always somebody else’s fault (as though he had no decision-making power in the 15 years he’s been in this country, he obviously could have done nothing to make his life better). I’m pretty sure he’s unable to be faithful (why brag about your girlfriend and then admit to seeing other women?), and I know now that when we were together he was out womanizing (now I understand why he was always accusing me of sleeping with other people – because he was and assumed I was too!)

I would love to be able to dump him again as a friend, but the truth is I need to keep him close for this job thing – it’s better the devil you know, as they say, and there are times when I need him to do me favours regarding managing the building. I can’t ask for favours if I cut him out. I guess until I quit this 2nd job I’ll have to live with having him in my life. I just wish I could manage to keep it to a strictly work-related relationship and still keep things civil!

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Long Distance SUCKS

Long distance is hard. It’s much harder than I thought it would be. I am glad for technology and the ability to keep in touch with A throughout the day. I often send him the most mundane things – images, videos – over WhatsApp. He has seen so many images of my dogs, my clothes, things I’ve bought, food I’ve made. I’m just trying to keep him “in the loop,” so to speak.

The one thing that has been good though is that I have no trust issues with this man. There are no alarm bells, or anything that would even suggest there’s something else going on down in Jamaica than what I’ve been told. When I call him, I reach him, every time. If he’s with people he will still talk to me, and on video no less. And when he’s out with friends he will often hop on the free wifi and call me via Skype to talk. A man with something to hide would not behave this way – I should know, I’ve been with enough men who had something to hide!

Regardless, the distance is hard. There’s a lot to be said for being able to just touch someone. It’s also expensive to call the Caribbean, and sometimes Skype is not an option. I’m scared to see my upcoming phone bill actually – the first week he was gone we blew through 600 minutes of airtime, and that doesn’t factor in the time spent talking over wifi. At $0.25/minute that can really add up.

It’s all worth it though….and only 44 more days to go before I’m in Jamaica!

 

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Well so far this sucks

After being literally exhausted yesterday I passed out early and actually slept a straight 8 hours through the night. I felt amazing when I woke up, but A called me before work and seems to be really missing us (I think by “us” he means me and the dogs because he really bonded with Molly – see below!) and that made me sad.

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I’m planning on sending him a care package tomorrow filled with homemade cookies and my own pantygram (new panties, not worn!) and this morning I sent this image to him to cheer him up:

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To which he replied:

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At least our sense of humour is still intact!

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Leaving on a jet plane

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The cold has settled into my bones it seems. Not great timing – after dropping A off at the airport this morning I went home and got into bed to try and get another few minutes of sleep. I was so cold, even fully clothed. It was like my bed was chastising me for laying in it alone after having another human being in it for 7 nights straight. There was no warm body to steal heat from and I might resort to having the dogs sleep on the bed again so I can stay warm at night.

It was a good weekend, though bittersweet. It didn’t really hit me until last night that he was leaving and I started tearing up during sex. Really now, could my eyes not have waited until after sex to leak?

Highlights:

– It snowed! I was really hoping for the first snow while he was still here. There’s just something romantic about those first few flurries, especially when you’re huddled in a warm bed together.

– I took a detour offroad Saturday just for fun. His reaction to almost getting stuck in a mud pit was pretty funny. Apparently offroading/mudding is strictly a white person thing – but he admitted after he calmed down that he had fun.

Now I guess the countdown begins to when I fly out to visit him – 63 days!

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Last weekend! Sad face now.

The very last weekend with A is about to begin – come Monday morning he will be on a plane back home, where I won’t see him until January 28th.

I am keeping positive though by making plans to keep busy dancing and sleeping more. I’ll be starting to take classes starting next week – Bellydance, Urban Bellydance, and Dancehall – for fun and for exercise and to hopefully compensate for the lack of sex I’ll be having in the coming months. Sex though has been the reason I’ve barely slept this week. I’ve been going to bed at the usual time but being woken up at 2:30/3am to A groping me. I’m not complaining though, I’d rather have sex and no sleep than no sex at all given the upcoming circumstances.

I think I’ll really miss him though, and for more than just the sex.

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The countdown has begun!

The countdown has begun and it’s not something I’m looking forward to – in fact, I hope this week drags on so that A stays in Canada for as long as possible. Today was his last Monday in Canada – next Monday at 9am he flies home. My plan is to spend as much time with him as possible this week, obviously.

There was one weekend where A had me convinced that he was flying to Vancouver for a day the next morning and needed a ride at 5am to go home so he wouldn’t miss his plane. I didn’t believe him because he likes to play practical jokes a lot, so I shrugged it off until 5am when his alarm went off and he got up and started getting dressed. I started to do the same, only to turn around and find him back in bed, laughing, because of course he wasn’t flying to Vancouver but he had to keep the story going until the last possible second.

I keep hoping that this whole going home to Jamaica thing is all just a practical joke like that, and we’ll get to the airport and A will be like “surprise, I’m staying!”

Though I was the one who actually purchased his plane ticket so I know that’s a long shot. A girl can hope though!